now clogging the internet elsewhere

02 October 2006

Notes from a mock trial

- Wear industrial strength deodorant because it might be 97 degrees in your courtroom. - When you're direct examining your star witness about how he has been unable to be intimate with his wife since the accident, one of your jurors might fart. Loudly. Think in advance about how you are going to maintain your composure if that happens. - When you're cross examining the defense's star witness, one of your jurors might start snoring. Loudly. Think in advance of subtle yet effective ways to wake jurors up. Options to explore: loud coughing, scooting a chair across the floor, or shouting of curse words. - If your jury deliberates for 3.3 minutes and comes back with a judgment in exactly half the amount you asked for, it means "holy god this trial was too long and boring and now we just want to go home so we're splitting the difference and calling it a day," and it will feel like a hollow victory.


At 10/02/2006 01:45:00 PM, Anonymous samantha Jo Campen said...

Yeah, how DO you handle the faring and snoring? Wow. I'm sure other lawyers have had to deal with that (but God I hope not) so maybe they will have some sage advice?

I had to tell someone at a party I was catering that they were vomited on since they were blissfully unaware. Yeah, how do you go about doing THAT? Even the floor manager who has been doing this for 20 years had never had that experience. Lucky. Me.

At 10/03/2006 10:27:00 AM, Blogger Zoe said...

I'm thinking if the jury didn't go in your favor you could appeal on the grounds that a juror was snoring and therefore clearly not doing his/her civic duty, yes? No?


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